A Home Through Time

”A man’s home is his cave,”
Rough stone walls, a fortress brave.
Within his hands, the firelight glows,
A place for peace where wild winds blow.

Then to the castle, a gleaming tower,
Built with stone, it’s a seat of power.
He guards his keep, his kingdom claimed,
A man at home, his fortress famed.

”But what of her?”—the voice rang clear,
”Her castle, too, stands strong and near.”
A girl’s home blooms in colours bright,
A space for dreams and fearless light.
With doors flung wide to let life in,
Her castle, too, is where she begins.

And now we see, as walls dissolve,
A home that grows, a life evolved.
No longer "his" nor "hers" alone,
Together, shared—a mutual throne.

Our home, our castle, side by side,
Filled with laughter, joy, and pride.
With equal hands, the bricks are laid,
In light and love, our dreams displayed.

For caves are past, and towers tall,
In homes of heart, we find it all.
Where we belong, where we create,
Our home, our castle, strong and great.

Together built, together stay,
Our shared domain in every way.
Malmö, September 2024

United we stand; divided, the fortress walls swiftly crumble.
"My home is my castle" – an expression so rooted in autonomy and self-governance that you can almost hear the creak of ancient castle gates as you say it. But when we talk about the home as a castle today, we do it with a certain irony. Has it really become a secure, independent realm for each of us, or has modern life forced us to re-evaluate what happens within these walls?

Historically, the phrase stems from English legal philosophy, enshrining one’s right to govern and protect one’s home. "A man’s home is his castle," they said in 17th-century England. The idea is noble, no doubt: I make the rules and guard the peace in my home, and no one – not even the king – can enter without my permission. But now, centuries later, we might wonder: who truly commands today’s home?

The Fortress of Equality
After all, we live in an era where gender roles are no longer as strictly defined as they were in the 17th century (or even the 1950s). The phrase' My home is my castle' may carry a different meaning today, where we embrace ideals of shared responsibilities and equality. In the past, the home represented physical security, with the man as the guardian of the gate and the woman as the keeper of inner peace. But what happens to the castle’s hierarchy when responsibilities are shared? This shift in roles is a fascinating aspect of modern home dynamics.

Imagine a modern 'castle' where the washing machine hums, the lawnmower tackles weeds, and the vacuum reigns over the kitchen floor like a roaring dragon. Who should take charge of these 'fortress duties'? One of my friends, Johan, quips that 'the modern way to share a castle is to share household chores.' And yes, he does his part, though he keeps a reminder on the fridge: 'This week, it’s Sir Johan’s turn to empty the dishwasher.' This emphasis on shared responsibilities not only underscores the importance of everyone's contribution to a household but also empowers each member to take charge of their 'castle '.

Lord or Lady of the Manor?
How does this expression fare in the context of feminism and the notion of equal responsibility? On the one hand, the phrase can be appreciated for lifting the idea that one’s home is an autonomous sanctuary, perhaps especially relevant for women in past generations who lacked such autonomy. Feminists today might value the concept that a home should be a place of equality, where no one is the absolute ruler and the workload is shared.

On the other hand, the saying may also feel outdated, particularly since the English version still includes the word' man.' In a world striving for equality, it's important to consider a more modern expression that reflects how we see the home today – as a shared responsibility where we are all 'guardians of the realm.' This inclusivity is crucial in our understanding of the modern home dynamics.

A feminist interpretation might suggest that 'our castle' rather than 'my castle' would be the ideal. It could reflect a vision of balance, where everyone in the home—regardless of gender—shares the control and responsibility. This balance and shared responsibility not only reassures us of a harmonious home but also gives us hope for a more equitable future.

Anecdotes from the Fortress
We only need a few typical scenarios to see how the expression might play out in real life.

The Lawn as Stronghold: A colleague shared a story about the ongoing battle over gardening with her partner. He had always taken on the role of “protector of the green domain.” But when she took over the trimmer and suggested new flower beds, the battle lines blurred. His “stronghold” was no longer his own, and their shared garden became a team project – though he admits he misses “his lawn.”

Knight of the Vacuum Order: Another friend, Anna, shared how she and her husband hold a “formal” ceremony weekly for vacuuming. They declare loudly and formally that “the Knight of the Vacuum Order is ready to combat dust.” They swing the vacuum as if wielding a sword, humorously illustrating how they take on “castle cleanliness” with a playful twist.

The Kitchen Fortress and the "Queen of Cooking”: I also have a friend who affectionately calls herself the “Queen of the Castle’s Cuisine.” She loves cooking and sees the kitchen as her realm. She puts her foot down when her partner tries to “invade” with his quick pasta and ketchup ideas. In this case, it’s “her castle,” and she has the final say.

Castles for a New Era
Reflecting on what the phrase means today, it’s clear that "my home is my castle" no longer implies sole control. Instead, it’s about finding common ground where everyone in the household feels safe and responsible. And maybe we do need an update to the phrase—one that feminists and like-minded individuals can support. Perhaps something like "Our home, our castle," where everyone has a role and a voice.

In the end, the saying reminds us of the importance of the home as a place for freedom, security, and self-governance—values that are as relevant today as they were in the 17th century, even as roles within the home continue to evolve.

Adding cultural references to "My Home is My Castle" opens up fascinating perspectives on how homes and personal spaces are depicted as bastions of identity, self-expression, and independence. This idea has resonated widely across various forms of storytelling, from literature to film and documentaries, each medium highlighting unique aspects of our relationship with the home.

Cinematic and Literary Portrayals of the “Castle”

Films:
"Parasite" (2019) – This Oscar-winning film by Bong Joon-ho delves into the contrast between spaces of power and vulnerability. The wealthy Park family’s luxurious home becomes a fortress of privilege and control, while the impoverished Kim family inhabits a basement. The film offers a commentary on social status and how a house can provide security or expose one to hardship, depending on one’s resources.

"The Money Pit" (1986) – This comedy, starring Tom Hanks and Shelley Long, humorously explores the idea of a dream home as a nightmare. The characters buy what they believe is a “castle” only to discover that it’s a crumbling mess, symbolising the pitfalls of idealising home ownership without fully realising its challenges. Their relationship is tested as they struggle to restore the house, reflecting the emotional toll that our homes can sometimes exert on us.

"Revolutionary Road" (2008) – Based on the novel by Richard Yates, this film focuses on the disillusionment of suburban life in 1950s America. The protagonists, Frank and April Wheeler, find their home more a prison than a castle, as societal expectations and personal discontent transform their once-hopeful space into a source of stifling routine and unfulfilled dreams. The film critiques how cultural pressures to conform can erode the joy of one’s personal haven.

Books:
"Wuthering Heights" by Emily Brontë – The iconic English moors and Wuthering Heights estate play a central role in Brontë’s exploration of power, passion, and confinement. The house itself becomes a character, embodying the turbulence of its residents’ relationships and showing how a home can reflect the emotional landscape within it.

"A Room of One’s Own" by Virginia Woolf – This classic feminist essay argues that women need physical space and economic independence to write and achieve intellectual freedom. Woolf’s concept of “a room of one’s own” underlines the importance of personal space and autonomy within the home and suggests that this room is as essential as a castle, providing literal and figurative freedom.

"The Great Gatsby" by F. Scott Fitzgerald – Gatsby’s lavish mansion fortifies his carefully curated identity and longing for Daisy. But his castle, rather than providing true fulfilment, represents the emptiness of wealth and unattainable dreams. Fitzgerald’s depiction of the mansion as both glamorous and hollow reflects the precarious nature of building one’s life and happiness around a physical space.

Documentaries Examining Home and Identity
"Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things" (2015) explores how decluttering one’s home can lead to a decluttered life, focusing on the minimalist movement’s advocacy for simplified, intentional living. It emphasises that home should be a place of tranquillity, not burdened by excess belongings. The documentary questions whether our “castles” can bring us joy or if they sometimes trap us within consumer-driven values.

"Won’t You Be My Neighbor?" (2018)—This heartwarming documentary on Mr. Rogers shows his home as a place of warmth, safety, and emotional nourishment. Fred Rogers’ home and studio represent his core values of kindness and understanding, embodying his belief that personal space is a haven for growth and compassion.

"Tiny: A Story About Living Small" (2013) – This documentary chronicles individuals building and living in tiny homes. The subjects redefine “my home is my castle,” as their homes are no larger than a single room. Through minimalist spaces, they find freedom, creativity, and self-sufficiency. It challenges the idea that a castle must be vast and luxurious, emphasising that meaningful space is defined by personal significance rather than size.

Relevance to Modern Gender Roles and Equality
As these works reveal, “Home as a Castle” intersects with themes of identity, security, and societal expectations. In a modern context, as gender roles evolve, the home often becomes a microcosm of these shifting dynamics. Whether the home serves as a space for equality or one that reflects traditional roles, each “castle” speaks to the aspirations and challenges of its inhabitants.

For example:
"A Room of One’s Own" resonates with discussions on women’s right to personal space and time in their homes—a foundation of equality in modern partnerships.
- In "The Money Pit", the endless repair scenes can humorously relate to the shared (or contested) responsibilities in maintaining a home, with gender roles often influencing who takes on which tasks.

These stories illuminate the diverse ways homes are shaped by their inhabitants. They remind us that a proper “castle” is not merely defined by grandeur but by its ability to nurture, reflect, and empower those who dwell within it.

Whether the home is one partner's castle, the other’s, or a shared domain in mutual understanding, the walls have crumbled. Divorce statistics reveal that, in many castles, battles rage within the walls while the outer world can only observe.

Books and films frequently depict this situation. The renowned zoologist and behavioural scientist Desmond Morris covered it in his documentary ‘The Human Sexes - The Gender Wars.’ Morris presents a credible perspective as the author of ‘The Naked Ape,’ which once shook the world to its core. Women are challenging men, and once firmly held bastions crumble to dust.

A saying from the feminist movements of the '70s boldly stated, “If the home is a man’s castle, he should clean it.” This powerful statement underscores the importance of equality in our evolving society. Increasingly, men resemble the Knight of the Sorrowful Countenance, Cervantes’ Don Quixote, endlessly trying to patch the shot-up fortress walls, metaphorically fighting the mill wings. Of course, it's not about one gender being better than the other—both are essential, and equality is not just a goal but a necessity to set this world on the right course.